The real Christmas Story

by **De Kuip** Tue Dec 16, 2014 12:34 pm

The real Christmas story.

About 2000 years ago, Israel was ruled by a King known as Herod, but his real Jewish name was Ben Tekke.

Around this time, God – or Paul McGrath as we know him - sent an angel called Gabriel – or Gabby – down to earth to tell Mary that although she was engaged to Joseph, she was in fact going to give birth to the Son of God. Now most women would have been horrified with this news, but Mary had been a season ticket holder at Villa from 1989-96 and therefore was only too glad to bear God’s child – as would most of the Holte End – even some of the women.

Mary and Joseph decided that they would call their baby “Jesus Guzan” and that he would be known as “Saviour” which means “to save”. They then realised that as the son of God, he would also need to be excellent at distributing things, and so they dropped the “Guzan” and stuck with the shorter “Jesus”.

At this time, the land in which Mary & Joseph lived was ruled by the Roman Empire – very much like the Premiership is now. The Emperor – Augustusbramovich – had ordered everyone to return to their place of birth for a census, in order to ensure that the Financial Fair Play rules were being followed.

Mary & Joseph travelled from Nazareth to Bethlehem. Here they saw the Lamb of God – we shall call him Bert. There was no room at the Inn, but Lamb-bert said to them “fear not, for I fear excitement and variation – all I’m ever interested in is Stable, and therefore I know where there is one, you can sleep there.

They got to the stable, and Lamb-bert cried out “Yes, yes, all my wishes have come true, the faithful really do believe in me and have provided me with a gift - this must be my bed as it says ‘Manager’”

Joseph looked closely “Erm, I think you’ll find it says ‘manger’, can you get out of it please so my missus can have this sprog?” (He spoke like that – most chippies still do today).

And so the saviour was born, and all of the shepherds were afraid. Suddenly the Angel Gabby – who had been dossing up on one of the rafters not really bothering to be part of the team game – appeared and said “fear not”. Other angels appeared – di Maria and Juan Pablo and the Sky Sports 1 shone all around them and a star appeared in the firmament.

Far away Ben Tekke (King of the Jews) saw this and ordered three wise men to track where the star was going so he could find Jesus and kill him.

Meanwhile, back in the stable, scenes of great rejoicing were taking place. “Behold” said Joseph “Our new born King is here!”

“That’s weird” said Lamb-bert – “it says on the front of the swaddling clothes ‘Fruity King’ not ‘New Born King’ – must be a typo”.

The Angel Gabby then announced “Behold, three wise men come from the East to worship our King”.

“erm, exactly where in the East?” said Lamb-bert hesitantly “From the Orient” replied Angel Gabby. “Fucking Nora, responded Lamb-bert, that’s all I need, I’m sick to the back teeth of Orient this year”.

And so the wise men appeared, and laid down their gifts. Joseph asked “Wise magi, what are your names?” “Caspar, Balthasar, and Melchior” came the reply.
Mmnn, thought Lamb-bert, sounds like they are from La Liga, wonder if they’d sign for us next season, sight unseen?

When Mary & Joseph heard that Ben Tekke, King of the Jews was searching for baby Jesus and had ordered the deaths of all boys under the age of 2, they fled to Galilee on a donkey named Heskey. Before they left, they asked lamb-bert if he thought the donkey would need feeding prior to the long journey. “Well he’ll need a meal” said Lamb-bert – and so the donkey was from that day forward known as “A meal Heskey”.

So that, gentle reader, is the true story of Christmas, a very merry Xmas to you all, and a Happy New Year.